Love and Forgiveness: Writing your own truth because they should know better.

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“Trust me, I’m telling you stories. … I can change the story. I am the story.” ? Jeanette Winterson

My personal information, family and spirituality are very sacred to me.   Protecting my stories became ingrained childhood survival tools, and well, because I always knew the stories didn’t just belong to me. This need has become increasingly important since learning I was reluctantly drafted to the C* team.

Our stories intertwine with the stories of others.

Our historical stories naturally tell stories about others. Sometimes the story of others are brought in to embellish our own personal struggle.

Sometimes we forget to ask permission. Sometimes connections get made. Sometimes we are oblivious to our actions.

I struggled with this issue last week.

Morally grey. Legally black and white.

I really struggled.

More than I wanted to.

Meditation, conversation and prayer……happened. So did anger and hurt.

My prayers probably aren’t conventional or even proper when I am struggling.

I can’t describe exactly who I pray to only that it is a Universal God- a God I am up close and personal with, and who shows up in many forms. My God has a sense of humor and cuts me some slack when I need it. God is my spirit guides who usually show up to kick my ass if I am not paying attention–mostly dreams.  Note: Write that shit down. I have learned how to remember them all.  The Crone [I call her the feisty grandmother] usually does the ass kicking. She brought me the words TRUTH and FORGIVENESS to sit with recently.

We all have very private reasons for protecting pieces of our story that is sacred… I am one of THOSE people.

Sometimes we say we forgive, but we don’t really mean it. It’s hard.  I’m an over thinker. UGH. I’m getting there.

SO…..

This is for all of you with your toes gripping the cliffs of fear for speaking your truth. For those who are moments from stepping back because the fear of calling someone out feels too hard. It’s for you half-breathless with worry over the future– the betrayed and heartbroken. It’s for the one carrying old wounds and shame around stuffed in luggage packed too tight.

It’s for every soul forcing their feet to move forward, every day when everything in you wants to take that safe path back to the past.

Mostly it’s for those trying so hard to forgive. It’s for all of us confused about where our real selves live–then realizing we never left.  It’s for everyone who has ever felt wronged, discarded, or disrespected and didn’t speak up in that moment.

Be brave. Speak.

This is for everyone who finally realized that we cannot change others. No amount of love, hate, guilt or shame can do that.   AND that our expectations of how people should act does more harm to us than good. It’s about the power of forgiving ourselves for allowing IT and them for taking liberties.

It’s for those who got a heads up, who paid attention to the left hand column, and all those who really wanted to cause a shit storm to prove a point. It’s for the sticklers, the ruminators and those of us that analyze the shit out of every hurtful behavior by others.

This is for the ones who have said too much, shared too much, trusted too much.

It’s for those who hold the belief “they should know better.”

It’s for everyone of us that has mis-spoke, broken trust, lied, deflected and repeated stories not ours to tell without permission.

This is for those who have learned that they hold the only answers ever needed in this life to forgive, and let that last piss off go.

Move on.

It’s for everyone of us creating new karma, you know, the things we can’t let go of in this life continue to re-run on our current stage. This is for all the smoldering garbage we drag around.

This is for those who can’t recognize their own ego when they wield it. Who seek praise at all costs, are careless with the sacredness of others, and have become addicted to their projections.

This is about Forgiveness:  AKA. Let that shit go.

This is for anyone who has forgiven someone for the moment, but then been upset with them for the same thing hours or days later?

It’s for those who check their circles often, and check themselves, and know when to stop checking.  For those who know that forgiveness can happen when our hearts grasp the significance of the frailty of the human condition.  This is for the times we have ALL fucked up. This is for the opportunity to choose how we handle it. This is for those who accept responsibility-or not.

This is for those thinking “oh fuck off” right now.

This is for those who run to write it all down. It’s for everyone needing to protect and claim their stories, expose their truth, and then release it all.

It’s a reminder not to allow anyone to write with your pen.

This is for anyone who writes in anger and then lets the words sit and marinate. This is an acknowledgment of how ink to paper softens the soul. Letting it feel it’s own way around your heart.

I let this marinate…

May 31, 2015-My personal journal entry.

“ I AM not your muse, or the story that helps you put your stuff out there. I AM not the catalyst for reviewing your life and assessing your convictions. My story does not belong to you.  Be your own force. I AM not your tragic topic of conversation, or the juice that fuels the hushed gossip. I AM not a sob story to repeat, a diversion, or the worse than your own life example to refer to. I AM not your “shits gotta change” motivator or your something to feel sorry for that neutralizes life when things are bad in your corner. I AM not your sympathy stash or your feel good memory when you need to conjure up compassion.  I AM the sole owner of my story.  I stand in my everything.”

So, this is for all of you who will never stand by and allow others to project their illusion of your story.

This is for every one of you perfectly messy flawed souls just like me who mostly choose to navigate this life on the dirt roads through deep ditches.

This is for everyone of us.

P.S. Oh, and the God I pray to owns a 4 wheel drive with a toe-rope, with an emergency corkscrew for dire emergencies.

Big love,

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Leave a Comment

  • Peggy Near June 12, 2015, 7:20 pm

    Dana, Dana, Dana. This is the most brilliant thing I have read (thought, spoken, dreamt, lived, spit upon and wept over) in a very, very long time.

    When you dig…. girlfriend you dig deep enough that your guts must be twisted for hours…if not days. If that isn’t courage I don’t know what the hell is. Living in our truth isn’t as pretty as some might think, but damn! At the end of the day it sure as hell makes me sleep better.

    I have been down every road you mention – some intentional, some kicking and screaming, and many just stumbled upon. Every one of them taught me something, even if I didn’t recognize it at the time…or was unwilling to admit it. Reflection is good medicine…as long as we don’t linger too long.

    You, my lovely, are a wordsmith; a poet; a divine and wonderfully wise woman. We all have the capacity to learn as we make our way through this maze called life…for some it’s just easier to be someone’s carbon copy that their own original. The problem with that is, copies tend to smudge and fade. You just keep on being that original feisty ginger. The teacher, the student, the Queen in the kick ass high heels. Blessings Dana. XO

    Reply
  • Sue Ann Gleason June 14, 2015, 1:00 pm

    I love this post, Dana. Here’s what shows up for me when I read it. I see my younger self in these words: “It’s for the sticklers, the ruminators and those of us that analyze the shit out of every hurtful behavior by others.” I wish I could take back all the angst of ruminating. I remember a time in particular when I was trying so hard to figure out the hurtful, almost callous, acts of a loved one and a dear friend said, “It’s simply the unconscious bumping up against the conscious.” I remember feeling this huge release knowing that ‘unconscious’ is actually a state of being and I could free my mind (and heart) from a whole lot of angst with that one realization.

    And this: “This is for anyone who writes in anger and then lets the words sit and marinate. This is an acknowledgment of how ink to paper softens the soul. Letting it feel it’s own way around your heart.” Thank you. My personal writing does that, too, softens the soul.

    And finally, voice. I am reminded of how important it is for me to use my voice when someone says/does something that feels like a boundary violation. The words, “I felt . . .” A simple acknowledgement, no blaming, no shaming, just an expression of my truth in that moment. That is my life lesson. To speak.

    Thank you, always, for the beautiful real. xxoo

    Reply
  • Cathy June 15, 2015, 4:03 pm

    There have been a few moments coming up in my memory this week, seeking attention. Those moments when I did or said or wrote something that makes me cringe to think of it – worse to think that I was possibly witnessed in the doing or saying or writing. Whatever damage these things did in the moment, you’ve made me realize that the worst damage is what I do to myself every time they come to mind. These are sticky black vines that coil around my heart, that sicken my stomach. Time to get the pruning shears out and send those suckers to the divine compost! Will make it ever so much easier to step into the current truth.

    Reply
  • Cathy Sykora June 16, 2015, 7:29 pm

    Wonderful, thought provoking post! Standing firm in your truth, owning, taking responsibility, and letting go of responsibility of others. It can get blurry on where we end and where others begin if we don’t hold clear boundaries, know our truths.
    I love what you said about putting ink to paper, it is not only a wonderful release, but in black and white things can look a lot different than they do bouncing around our minds.
    Thank you for sharing such a deep and meaningful entry!

    Reply
  • april June 16, 2015, 10:21 pm

    “AND that our expectations of how people should act does more harm to us than good.” my family and i are struggling a bit with a few relatives’ expectations of how we should act and what we should believe. we are brave and speak up, we remain who we are without question, we respond graciously but firmly. but it is a draining and damning process that unnecessarily strains the relationships. thank you, dana, for sharing your thoughts and your lessons.

    Reply
  • sherill January 13, 2016, 1:56 am

    hi Dana, lessons learned from life is endless, we must be aware that things happen for a reason, being kind to ourselves matters a lot in everything we do. We should not live according to the opinions of others but on our own perspective of life. Being strong, being firm and living our lives the way we want it. Thanks for sharing your beautiful thoughts..

    Reply

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