The air turned today and the winds picked up. Our sweet dogs are snuggled in a thrift store quilt with me, stretched out on the chaise where I often sit to write with a view of our back yard. I watch leaves twirl and dance with the gusts and the trees bow and bend to meet one another. The deck is carpeted with yellow, oranges and reds. I’m reminded of a time when I would have rushed out to clean up the “mess”; my way to fix something that didn’t need fixing.
Today my heart is full.
As Thanksgiving dances its way across our tables this weekend, we are blessed to eat turkey and sweet mashed potatoes with the hearts and faces that light us up.
I give thanks for all the things I’ve prayed for and received and I’ve started to be thankful for the things and people in my life that didn’t show up as planned.
Yeah, I’m soaking in this “holy shit” moment of realization.
Because as we crack our hearts wide open to give thanks for what we have, I have been thinking about how to praise the joy in the all the things I thought I needed and wanted that never showed up.
For all the beautiful broken pieces that have fallen at my feet in this life.
There have been so many things that I’ve been down on my knees and begged my God for. I used to only pray when I really needed to, out of desperation mostly. I’d ask for things like to be put back together, or to finally have my shit together, to be thinner, better. I always asked to be better.
Sometimes we need to ask to be broken to realize we were already whole.
There are places I could be today if I had gotten my own way, and perhaps today would have been a very different day, except I believe we are where we are meant to be and loved “as is”, exactly where we are right now, just because our prayers were never answered. AND even if we never feel like we have our shit together.
I also know that somewhere in life bitching about our problems has become an illness–an epidemic. Things aren’t ever going to be perfect. We are never going to have every single thing we think we wanted. People will never act the way we think they should. I believe we all deserve so much more than a life spent holding a magnifying glass and crying over the wrongs we believe we have suffered, the pain and the heartache–lamenting over who did or said what to us. We could all silence rooms with just a small glimpse of the hard things we have harbored in our hearts.
There’s beauty and necessity in the place you’re in right now.
Everything is temporary.
Everything is a preparation for the next thing– even the broken stuff.
When we take a minute to step back and look around, there are things that will pull on our heart strings. Lack and brokenness starts to look like abundance, that we have what we need right now, and that those things that are beautiful and life-giving.
Pull your head up love and stop staring at broken pieces scattered on the floor.
Stop trying to glue the past hurts back together. We are all meant for more than sharp shabby pieces stuck back together in an attempt to make things look the way they used to be. The way we believe things should look.
Leave those pieces where they belong. They have delivered you to this place.
Their part has been played. Their journey is over.
We deserve new, unbroken, whole things placed in our hearts. Be grateful for all that remains and believe there is more beauty is on the way.
Hope doesn’t abandon us, and faith is relentless if we allow it to be. It’s all still there. I know words don’t make problems disappear or change the things that have happened in our lives.
we can still catch ourselves in moments that we are shocked at how happy and blessed we are. I am getting better at embracing all that.
I’m so thankful that I don’t have the misery of having every small thing I thought I wanted. I don’t want the kind of life that comes with living in a world I wasn’t meant to live in– yet yearn so fiercely for things that were not meant for me.
I’m learning to hold faith in all that now comes to me in dreams and wishes was meant for me whether I know it or not.
I’m not the only one in control.
We’ve all got dreams that could make the writers of fairy tales take the back roads.
Dreaming is scary and faith is risky– and life never works out quite like we imagine.
For that I am SO thankful.
Thankful for all I have.
Thankful for what I didn’t get.
Thankful for all the broken messy pieces.
Thankful that there is still much more life on it’s way.
Gratitude is a prayer.